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Time:06:03 pm
Remember my last post?



Such bullshit. Life is good. SO good. This thing is probably going to die soon. You can read more at my myspace (www.myspace.com/raoulduke121).
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Current Music:"You're A Big Girl Now" - Bob Dylan
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Time:11:30 pm
Current Mood:crappylike total shit.


I didn't even make it up. Fuck, I hate it when this happens...although it's only happened once before. And that time, it wasn't *quite* this hopeless.
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Current Music:"Star Witness" - Neko Case
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Time:02:50 am
Current Mood:lonelyintrospective
I feel like a sad clown today. I'm dissapointed.

I went to see Silent Hill tonight. It was very close to what nightmares would look like if they were to be filmed, but I was unimpressed by the dismal use/explanation of some of the monsters -- Pyramid Head was wasted.

I'm sitting here at 3am, writing a blog that no one will read. I suppose this is for my own cathartic reflection later than for anything right now. Tonight I thought a lot about missed opportunities. My conversations with Nick and Rob were focused almost totally around the dismal state that our lives will invariably take on sometime soon.

We all have regrets -- everyone does. But I suppose you cannot dwell on those regrets, lest you become trapped in a shadowy netherworld of wistful and crippling want. ...I don't even know if this will make sense when I read it later on.

I'm tired of a lot of things. First and foremost is being ultimately alone. I have flashes where I realize that I have no one -- just like everyone else. The only thing you can depend on is yourself. Nobody else will be there forever in your life. Nobody else will be on your side 100% of the time. And if you betray that, betray yourself, then you have nothing.

Then there are those moments where I realize "holy shit, I'm a person." What the hell stopped me from being someone else? Or even a dog? These terrifying moments of existential doubt and perspective are probably the most unnerving things that I ever feel.

Second, of course, to being in love. Because that was scary as hell.

Maybe I'm emotionally crippled. God knows I hide behind a facade of humour. Naturally, I never post anything very revealing in these blogs. I don't even talk about most of the stuff I feel to anyone. I've never been open about things -- I feel like a tool saying things about "feelings." I coat everything with a cynical or vulgar edge to shield myself from the truth of the situation, and to deflect the opinions of others from whatever I actually feel onto the slant that I put onto what I say.

I think that's why I feel like I can't write honest, serious fiction. I feel too much that I am on display. Those are my ideas, my characters, my thoughts out there on that page, ready to accept the scorn of the reader. I cannot, in good conscience, bear my soul in such a fashion, for fear of what criticism like that would do to me. I protect all my fiction writing with a wall of jokes, and in turn I protect myself. I prefer nonfiction, where I can keep myself safely at arm's distance, without risk of criticism.

I guess I just can't accept criticsm that well. I'm a bitch like that. I'm also sort of terrified that I will alienate people with my writing, or that, even worse, they'll think I'm a bad writer.

I used to be a good writer. That was, I suppose, when competition was signifcantly less stiff in high school. University makes me feel like an idiot. I write as hard as I can, yet I do poorly. I don't fail, but I'm not a "good writer" anymore. That used to be a big selling point for me. It was a large part of my perception of myself. I was good at writing. I could write essays. I could write articles. I could write scripts.

Now, I am being constantly told that I am not a good writer. I try to adapt my writing to what the professors want to hear, or expect to read. I feel like I'm losing myself. My voice is being molded into something that isn't me -- I'm writing as someone else, and still not even meeting expectations. I try to leave as much of myself out of my writing as possible now...at least that way it's less of me that is a bad writer, but it is the writing that I have just created, almost disassociatively, that is criticised. I suppose it is just a way in which I attempt to sheild myself from the assault on what I once considered to be one of the integral parts of "me."

Well, that was awfully whiny and self indugent, wasn't it? <---(See, I have to be cynical to diffuse the "heavy" subject.)


Is it wrong that I was checking out the clevage of the dead nurse-things in Silent Hill? I kind of think so, but hellspawn or not, they had nice racks.
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Current Location:"The Buck Stops Here" - OHMS
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Time:12:08 pm
There is NO way my loathing for the film "Lucky Number Slevin" can be overstated. It was fucking terrible.

List 10 musical artists that you like (do this before reading the questions below).

01. The Tragically Hip
02. Led Zeppelin
03. Deep Purple
04. David Bowie
05. Neko Case
06. Neil Young
07. Big Sugar
08. The Yardbirds
09. Inward Eye
10. Rush


What was the first song you ever heard by 3?:

Smoke On The Water. Unfortunately, I didn't realize how good they were until much later.

What is your favorite album of 8?:

"5 Live Yardbirds"

What is your favorite lyric of 5?

"One left a sweater sittin' on the train, and the other lost three fingers in the cannery."

What is your favorite song by 7?

"Dear Mr Fantasy"

What is your favorite album in 4?

"Diamond Dogs"

Is there a song by number 6 that makes you sad?

Anything off of "Tonight's The Night"

What is your favorite album by 10?:

"Rush"

What is your favorite song by 9?:

"Only Lonely"

What is your least favorite album by 1?:

"Music @ Work"

How did you get into 3?:

Heavy fucking metal. The UK version of Speed King

What is your favorite album by 5?:

"Fox Confessor Brings The Flood"

Who is your favorite band member in 4?:

Uh...

Which of the 10 has influenced you the most?:

Neil Young, man.

What is a good memory concerning 2?:

The first time I heard "In The Light"

Is there a song by 8 that makes you sad?:

Not really.

What is your favorite song of 1?:

Too tough to choose.
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Current Music:"Flaming Youth" - KISS
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Time:01:36 pm
Current Mood:highmessed upppp
Twisted again on a tuesday afternoon.


Is it depressing that I got high because I was bored? I found some T3 in my bathroom from a perscription I had two years ago...they're almost four times the strength of the T1, so I can now toss in one T3 with about 10 T1s, and it will put me over 100 mg, with less AA to filter out.




...oh mannnnn...this beats the shit out of drinking.
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Time:06:33 pm
April Fool's day is a bad day to work in a call centre.

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Current Music:"When You Dance You Can Really Love" - Neil Young
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Time:11:41 pm
Current Mood:highhigh
For the benefit of those of you who aren't Warren, I'm going to teach you how to get enough Codeine to get high. As many of you know, Codeine is an opiate, and your brain basically changes it into morpheine, so you get the same effect, just not as severe.

As many of you may also know, Codeine is available in Tylenol 1's, over the counter, in doses of 8mg per pill.

Now, if you were to take 12 pills (about the amount you'd need to experience the joyous euphoric effects of Codeine) of T1, you would overdose on Acetaminophen and die. The problem becomes how to seperate these two bad boys.

This is where the miracle of cold water extraction rears its beautiful head.

Step 1: Get yourself a bottle of T1's. You don't need a perscription, just ask the pharmacist for some T1...I bought 50 pills today for approximately six dollars. It's probably not a good idea to try and buy some if you look under 18...they'd probably get suspicious.

Step 2: Crush those bastards into a fine powder.

Step 3: Get some hot water -- not boiling, just hot. Dissolve your powder into it.

Step 4: Stir that motherfucker. Make sure the powder is mostly dissolved...anything that doesn't is likely Acetaminophen, which we want to get rid of anyway.

Step 5: Let your mixture cool to room temperature to facilitate Step 6 easier.

Step 6: Put it in the freezer. This is where the magic comes in...Codeine's solubility temperature is much lower than that of Acetaminophen, so as you cool your mixture, the Acetaminophen will become much less soluble and start to clump in the bottom of your glass. It will take about a half hour to get your mix to the "desired temperature," which doesn't have to be anything exact -- just "cold."

Step 7: Strain your mix through a coffee filter. This should get rid of most of the Acetaminophen. You can repeat the process of straining a couple of times, to be sure. Any white powder left over is Acetaminophen.

Then it's ready to drink. It will taste TERRIBLE. You can mix it with some kool aid or chase it with something.

A good number of capsules to crush your first time out is 10 or 12...don't start off too high until you know how well you can handle it. A lethal dose is 800 mg, but it's severely dangerous to get into the 450 mg mark.

Be sure that the pills you get contain nothing more than Acetaminophen, Codeine and Caffiene as the active ingredients. Because frankly, this method is only assured to work with that configuration. Safety first, kids!

There are no real inhibiting effects, unless you have a bad reaction to it...in fact, I'm pretty twisted on it right now...and I managed to type this. The effects should take hold in about 15 minutes, and you can sit back and listen to some Neil Young.


And that, kids, is the magic of science.
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Time:02:02 pm
When exams are done, I'm going to get fucking high.
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Time:03:40 pm
And WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MARCH????W!!?@?@
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Current Music:"Hang On To Your Ego" - The Beach Boys
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Time:03:38 pm
Ladies and Gentlemen: Neko Case. Listen to it. Learn it. Love it.
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[icon] Bat Country
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
View:Profile.
View:RetroCrush. Cockeyed. The Best Page In The Universe. Power 97. Achilles Last Stand.
You're looking at the latest 10 entries.
Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 10 entries